isms
by Random Guise
Summary: A one-shot based on the movie City Slickers. The days may be hard work, but what do you do around the campfire when things slow down in the evenings? I don't own these characters and I never watched the sequel. Complete insofar as I'm not adding to the list.


'isms

It was evening on one of the first nights of the cattle drive; the sun had set in a fiery tableau and the stars had come out to play connect-the-dots. Nearly time for sleep, the amateur trailhands sat around the campfire and talked.

"You know," said Mitch "I think you can pretty much describe just about anything in the world with cows."

"What?" asked Phil. "You mean brand a globe on their butt?"

"No Phil, I mean use them as an example; you know, some of those ism things, metaphors and stuff" he explained.

"And just how are you going to do that?" asked Ed.

"For example, socialism: You have two cows. Give one cow to your neighbor."

"Why would I just give a cow to my neighbor?" Phil said as he scratched his head. "He doesn't even have a yard."

"Use your imagination" said Ed. "It might hurt but I think your brain will survive. Go on, Mitch."

"Well," continued Mitch "how about communism: You have two cows. Give both cows to the government, and they may give you some of the milk." He went on. "But they don't all have to be about government. Like egocentrism: The world revolves around you and your two cows. No wait, just around you."

Bonnie laughed. "That was a good one. Write 'em down."

"Yeah, real Western Trail Philosophy. Painless I hope" added Ben.

Mitch foraged around for a notebook and pen and then wrote down the ones he had mentioned. "Okay, I'm going to write down a few more, then we'll pass the paper around and everyone gets to put down any they can think of." He scribbled down a few and passed the paper.

Each in turn wrote down one or more except for Curly, who waved off the paper. Several times the paper was handed back when a person thought of another one, until at last no one wanted another turn. By that point most had seen the list in its entirety.

"That was fun" said Mitch, "and I've got one more to put on the list." He wrote for a moment. "See how instructive cows can be?" They all laughed except for Curly, who reached over and grabbed the paper.

"Let me see that" he growled. He read down the list:

 _Socialism: You have two cows. Give one cow to your neighbor._

 _Communism: You have two cows. Give both cows to the government, and they may give you some of the milk if you stand in line long enough._

 _Egocentrism: The world revolves around you and your two cows. No wait, just around you._

 _Fascism: You have two cows. You give all the milk to the government and the government sells it._

 _Nazism: You have two cows. The government shoots you and takes both cows._

 _Anarchism: You have two cows. Keep both the cows, shoot the government agent and steal another cow._

 _Multiculturalism: You have two cows. They can moo in 8 different languages._

 _Capitalism: You have two cows. Sell one cow and buy a bull._

 _Imperialism: You have two cows. You send your foreman to someone else's farm and have him start a herd there for you._

 _Surrealism: You have two gorillas. The government makes you compose a symphony._

 _Athleticism: You have two cows. They jump a six-foot fence and run away quickly. Very quickly._

 _Impressionism: You have two cows. But they look and sound like buffalo._

 _Marxism: You have two cows. Their names are Groucho and Harpo._

 _Nepotism: You have two cows. You got them just like your other brothers and sisters and cousins did, from your father who owns the largest dairy in the area. Heck, you'll do the same for junior when he gets old enough._

 _Exhibitionism: You have two cows. You build a museum around them and create a cow shrine._

 _Tourism: Same as exhibitionism, except you add the new and exciting "Cow World" amusement park complete with rides, hotel accommodations and restaurants._

 _Environmentalism: You have two cows. Concerns over methane emissions causes you to construct elaborate filters for farts._

 _Jingoism: You have two cows in the finest country God put on this earth and if some foreigner thinks otherwise well you're just going to have to go over there and MAKE them believe it too._

 _Voyeurism: You have two cows. You feel the need to watch your neighbor's two cows instead._

 _Chauvinism: You have two cows. If a person of the opposite sex had been raising them they would be dead by now._

 _Euphemism: You have two mobile organic milk production facilities._

 _Minimalism: You. Two cows._

 _Botulism: You have two cows. You can the milk and leave it in the sun too long before drinking it._

 _Escapism: You have two cows. But what you'd really rather have is two championship racehorses fresh off their 1-2 finish in all three legs of the Triple Crown, just waiting for the millions to roll in from stud fees._

 _Cynicism: You have two cows. Yeah, right._

 _Racism: You have two cows. They have to be the same color._

 _Extremism: You have two cows. And two barns. And two pastures. And two trucks. And two horses. And two chickens. And two pigs. And two houses. And..._

 _Cataclysm: You have two cows. A tornado comes along and drops your barn on both, killing them._

 _Colloquialism: "Them's a cuppa mighty fine Bessie's ya got there, Earl."_

 _Darwinism: You have two cows. The fact that your 25 other cows died suggests that these two are probably superior due to their genes._

 _Materialism: You have two cows. But if your neighbor gets two cows you're going to need three to stay ahead._

 _Schism: You have two cows. Your radical views on animal husbandry have ostracized you from the rest of the farmers._

 _Optimism: You have two cows. Next year, you'll have a herd._

 _Pessimism: You have two cows. They're probably not going to give any milk._

 _Commercialism: You have two cows. You sell rights to advertise the weekly specials on their flanks to the highest bidder._

 _Favoritism: You have two cows. For some reason you've always liked the younger one better._

 _Magnetism: You have two cows. Iron nails, buckets, wire and tools are stuck to their sides._

 _Mysticism: You have two cows. I see three cows in your future._

 _Feudalism: You have two cows. Well actually, your Lord and Protector Harland the Brave owns them. But he lets you have the honor of tending to them and his land._

 _Vegetarianism: You have two cows. You will not eat your cows._

 _Plagiarism: You have two cows. You sing a song where a "cow jumped over the moon" and then take full credit for writing it._

 _Terrorism: You have two cows. Someone who doesn't have two cows decides you shouldn't have them either and kills them._

 _Journalism: You have two cows. Next week we'll start a four part series of daily installments on the plight of today's farmer in a business being slowly consolidated into larger and fewer farms._

 _Microorganism: You have two cows. You hope they don't have E. Coli._

And the last added to the list was

 _Chism: You take your cows for a walk on a long trail._

Curly snorted in disgust. "A bunch of fancy words from a bunch of professors that couldn't even spell the name 'Chisholm' right. If all of you are done fixing the world then go to bed; we've got a long stretch tomorrow."

"We weren't trying to fix it," grumbled Mitch as he settled down into his bedding, "just describe it; no need for criticism."

The End

* * *

 **A/N: Yes, I know there are a lot more isms out there than this; I had a few more but trimmed it down.**

 **Believe it or not.**


End file.
